Well.

I am not exactly in a headspace to write, but I want to write. So.

I didn't understand. When shul was so empty on Simchas Torah, I thought it was because people weren't comfortable walking all the way to shul, what with all the rockets in Rehovot between 6:00-9:30 am. But I was surprised by that decision. Turns out I was right to be surprised: people weren't absent due to the rockets. They weren't there because so many people had been called up to the army.

Auntie Em and Uncle En were here over Simchat Torah. (Mazel tov Dr. Wiggle Wumpus, and sorry it took us 4 months to get kiddush going for you!) At some point in the late morning/early afternoon, Auntie Em told me she may have misunderstood, but someone told her there were ground forces in the field. I didn't understand. Wow, the IDF went into Gaza? No, ground forces in Israel around Aza. An invasion by Hamas. I stayed very calm, because I didn't want to understand. Well, we'll check the news after chag, and we'll see. Nothing to do about it now, anyway.

At the community lunch after shul, the rav said it was OK that we had danced hakafot, and he compared this to other terrible years where Jews danced on Simchas Torah. I was confused. Of course it's OK! It's just rockets... I didn't understand.

After chag, Auntie Em was very, very upset. On the phone with her daughters, whose husbands had all been called up. Still, I managed not to understand. Even after skimming headlines, I wouldn't understand why she was so upset. But I didn't actually read the articles, not really, because I wasn't ready to understand. I was only ready to be pretend-devastated that there was no school tomorrow. Disappointing, that, but not really a surprise.

Yesterday. Sunday. I started to understand. I am in shock. I was and still am mainly focused on my kids. Kind of pretending it's COVID-time, where my responsibility is to keep the kids entertained and in line. My WhatsApp chats are so busy, so filled with people doing Chesed. I am overwhelmed. I donated some money, but I a confused.

Why are people collecting food and clothing and hygiene supplies for soldiers? Don't the soldiers have that? Doesn't the army supply basic necessities? I understand sending gift packages, but why are people making actual food, asking for underwear and toothpaste and flashlights and... what is going on? Is this for real? Or are people just needing to help, so they're... what? I don't understand. I read two articles, and now I don't want to understand again. Yes, it seems that basic supplies are actually needed, as the IDF hasn't yet ramped up enough to supply everyone they called up. I won't understand. I feel bad that I am not joining the wave of chesed, but I am overwhelmed. I will try to be good. I will try to be kinder to my family. I will daven.

I made a schedule for today, Monday. Things are better for me today, especially with the schedule. I haven't checked the news yet. I don't want to understand. Later. Maybe later I will join the massive wave of chesed, but maybe I'll just donate money and let other people do that, and play to my strengths. What are my strengths? 

Is this too upsetting? Should I not post it?

Yes, it's upsetting. But honestly, it's not upsetting enough. I have small problems: my family is safe.

Yes, I am posting.